hold me Jori
by ScottyBgood
Summary: Jade reflects oh her life, and what she wants the most. Sometimes, it's nice to be held. Jori.


I can't sleep. It's not that I'm not tired, or I have something on my mind, or anything simple like that. It's that I need to get as much comfort as I can, in case I'm alone again. It's happened before. Just being held, her arm loosely around my waist, is worth everything. I try to absorb this feeling, hold onto the memory of how it feels. How it feels to be held, and how much I feel loved by this stupid, wonderful gesture that for some reason I need. It's become my personal heaven. I could die happily, if I was just being held by someone I love.

Tori never understands why I love being spooned, or holding her when she's holding me. She doesn't know how much I need to just let go and enjoy being held, or that I can't enjoy it if it's not someone I love. I always dread the time when I won't be able to just be in someones arms. She sometimes thinks I just want the affection, but it's more than that. So much more.

Mothers hold their children, and the world feels safe. I remember when my father used to comfort me, before I was "Too old for that kind of coddling." He'd hold me, and somehow I knew everything would be all right. I know, biggest lie there is, but back then, it was the best feeling ever. Before I was too old. Before he left.

He held me, just before he left. Promised me that everything was going to be fine. That he loved me, and he'd always be there for me. Daddy even told me that it wasn't my fault. God, he lied about everything, didn't he. I miss those days, when my father felt it was all right to hold me, or show me any kind of affection. Now he just that cold, harsh exterior Tori saw that day, and his current wife's just a reminder that he no longer believes in love. I feel for my brother, brought into that world.

I never told Beck. I couldn't trust him. If he knew how much I needed to be held, and held by someone I loved, then he'd have used it against me. That's the way of the world, my dad taught me that. So I never told him how much I need to be held. Instead, I learned to use other methods to get what I need.

Let me tell you, dating Tori has been a change. Beck was the easier one to seduce. Sex often led to cuddling, and the boy tried to give me what he was sure every woman needs. But to him, the whole thing was about his dick. The power of the penis, and how quickly he could ram it in and out of me. I swear, guys, we're not built that way. Okay, some girls are, and I want to find them and hurt them, just because. No, I need to be stimulated. Hit all the points, including my breasts, my pearl, and any other places that might turn me on. I like my pulse point to be kissed, lightly nipped. And never ignore my nipples! Anyways, it's about the whole thing, building to a release. Some girls get better results without penetration. What that meant was I was often seducing myself, doing the foreplay Beck often forgot in the race to show me how hard I was making him.

Tori's different. She listens. Took the time to learn my body, and she loves to build up to the main event. The upside, once I get her in the mood, it's on. The downside is that it's often harder to stay awake once were done. The girl, my girl, wears me out. But all that pleasure is just the icing, the cake is the cuddling we do once were done. I could just lay here in her arms, and I wish I could relax, but I don't know how much longer I get to have this.

When Beck and I started dying, it was so hard for me. I tried, I really did. The last time we'd broken up, it'd lasted for months, and while I was able to adjust, I was going crazy without my safe place to retreat to when the world got to be too much. Even Moose, who looks so strong, his arms didn't bring me the comfort I needed, so I got rid of him. I learned that if I didn't love them, it was useless. So I tried. I did everything short of getting pregnant to keep him, but in the end I saw what a wast the whole thing was. I wasn't feeling safe in his arms. I was feeling like a whore, selling myself for some thing that didn't exist any more. It was better being alone, the bitch people avoided, then destroying myself for something I couldn't make happen any more. The comfort was worth anything, but the illusion was a long painful death, and even I didn't deserve that.

Then Tori had to go and hold me, that one cold night. The storm may have raged, and I may have been there because it was better than being alone, and Cat was busy and Sam was busy and god I just needed out of my fathers house. So I was there, the power went out, and she was so fucking scared. She grabbed onto me, anything for comfort during the storm, and I cursed the day I was born. Because she felt safe, and warm, and dammit, she felt like love. Once the power came back, half an hour later, I asked her out.

Rejection hurts.

I endured, not trying to be more than friends. I needed that comfort, to be held, but there was no path to it, and I was happy to be miserable. At least I wasn't selling myself. Then Tori called, and asked if I was still interested.

I hate the power she has over me, just because I occasionally need to be held. I didn't make her suffer, and I gladly let her set a fast pace. We made love after only a month, and I do mean made love. Tori makes it so clear the act of screwing is an act of love, and she works so hard to make sure my needs are met. She could have cuddled into me and fell asleep, and I'd be in heaven. But I can't tell her that. Then she'd have the power, and I be at her mercy. Not that I'm not, but she can't know that. So I go along, seducing her when life gets to be too much. Like tonight. I bet she had no idea she would be nailing me tonight, but dad's having another affair, and my brother needed someone to hold him. After I gave him everything I had, I desperately needed to be held.

God, I hate losing sleep. Maybe I could tell her? Maybe?

:}

So what do you think?


End file.
